(O)Mission Statement

(o)mission Statement: News & other content on this blog is purely fictional and imaginary. Readers believing it & getting hurt may do so at their own peril.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

MoneyTake Singh Unveils Latest Human Development Index

Eco-comic Reap-or-Tar
Hue Delhi, Oct 23

The latest Human Development Index aka Humor De-Elopment Index has brought some good news for the Uni-tainted Prerogative Alliance government. It shows ‘inclusive growth’ may not be just a slow-gan for the government as steady rise has been noted on various parameters, including the number of jailed leaders.

According to the report, politically weaker sections like the PM, the government and some allies, earlier classified as the malnourished power-wise, are finally catching up with the rest of the political class, as opposition parties too have found themselves in the soup due to various controversies and accusations of corruption. The index, unveiled by Blah-ning Commission Deputy Chairman MoneyTake Singh has been compiled by the Institute of Appalled Man-poor Research.

The report comprises of three main indicators- consumption expenditure by CBI & CAG, health of the government and literacy levels of leaders.  HDI has registered impressive gains on all these parameters.  MoneyTake affirmed that the findings will be of great help in formulating the ad campaign for 2014 Loksabha elections.

Friday, October 21, 2011

After Telangana, Ante Up For Separate Tihar Movement

Poly-trick-all Bureau
Naive Delhi, Oct 11

Map of proposed Union Territory of Tihar
Chants of ‘No Bihar. Just Tihar’ and ‘Nahi manenge kisi se haar, leke rahenge hamara Tihaar’ are in the air. Effectiveness of Telangana pro-tasters who seek separate state from Andhra Pradesh has inspired a section of Tihar elite; the high profile politicians lodged at Tihar Jail. They have raised demands for a separate & independent Tihar. According to their proposal, the area in and around Tihar jail should be declared union territory so that it can get full advantage of the skills of its high profile inmates.

Leaders like Raja, Amarsingh, Kanimozhi, Kalmadi who have sacrificed their careers to project India as a rising economic superpower by crafting scams worth Crores of Rupees need a fair deal, according to the sources. Their expertise in financial matters needs to be utilized in country's interest. They have demanded a different set of laws and sent a proposal for TU- Tihar Union Territory. If Fortune decides to publish the list of the richest 500 politicians, Tihar will have a lion’s share, claimed the leaders of ‘Separate Tihar’ movement.

            The proposal is under consideration, according to North Blocked sources. Sonia gandhi is believed to be interested in a separate Tihar as it would serve as penal settlement right in the middle of the capital where corrupt Congress leaders can be sent. What's more, the Congress party can boast strict actions against the corrupt, without losing their services and expertise. 

Monday, October 17, 2011

Bar Lowered To Fill Engg Seats: Admissions Open for 11h Standard Students

AsYouCan-tion Reporter
Ahmedabad, Oct 17

Bar no bar for the students of Gujarat. The state education dept. has lowered eligi-disability criteria further for admi- sins in professional courses. The qualifying percentage for degree curses will be 100% - willingness of the candidate, that is.

The move is seen as nth attempt to fool-fill  existing demand and to fill thousands of vacant seats. Any student studying in 12th (sub)standard will be able to secure admission in degree courses directly, informs sources. "If the seats remain vacant even after the new measure, we will take radical steps" said the really concerned officials. "We may open gates for B.Com, B.A. & even PTC students who want to join degree engineering courses."

Educationists said that the state should not allow further dip in the eligibility criteria for admissions in engineering as it will affect education quality in the state. They strongly .resisted any move to entertain SSC students and let them enter in degree engineering courses directly, with additional ‘Impact Fee’. 

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Advani Begins Janus Cheat-na Yatra From Bihar

Tra-Veil-ing Correspondent
Bihar, Oct.11

L.K.AdWaning is on the move again. He began his 38-day Janus Chetna Yatra from the land of JP. The abbreviation stands for Jayprakash Narayan – and not for the Joint Parliamentary (committee), clarified the veteran at the outset.
“I am formally launching my Janus Chetna Yatra as a formality against corruption and to bring back black money stashed in foreign banks so that ratings of our banks do not have to suffer” affirmed Mr. Advani.  He expressed concern over downgrading of SBI and asked for the resignations of PM as well as Moody’s CEO. Lashing out as Sonia Gandhi, Advani said she should take lessons of renunciation from him. “Look at me. I am no longer in the race for PMship. Party has offered me much more than that- the advice to withdraw from the race, to be precise.”

His Janus Chetna Yatra is aimed at the corruption of Central government whilst delicately  looking away from corruption of his own party members. The nomenclature “Janus” came from the double faces of the leader in matters ranging from corruption to communalism. Janus, the God Of Greek Mythology has two faces since very much like Mr.Advani, who looks at the past and the future at the same time.

“Today the people of this country have lost faith in my ability as a Prime Ministerial Candidate. The biggest achievement of this yatra would be to restore that faith” said the 84- year leader.

Saturday, October 8, 2011

Anna Likely To Campaign Against The Democrats In The Next US Elections

US & Them Bureau
Wash a ton, Oct.8

Anna Hazare, renowned social Fastivist with Gandhi cap and the person whose search ratings zoomed ahead of Anna Kournikova, has declared his intentions to campaign against the ruling Democratic party whose tenure has proved disastrous for US. Teem Anna is likely to visit US next month with Anna’s message to launch the campaign. Sarah Palin is all set to play host, informed Kiran Bedi. Tea Party leaders may extend honorary membership to Bedi during the visit. 

Talking to reporters, Anna said he had nothing personal against President Obama but he cannot tolerate the way the president handled The Almost Second Depression. MTAs- Members of Team Anna- in the meantime, are busy discussing the logistics of fast unto death program in White House loan. Fan clubs of Sarah Palin along with several Tea Party enthusiasts have vouched for their foolhardy..er. full hearted support to Anna Movement, says sources.

Fox News is in talks with Times Now to have Arnab Goswami as a front man for special coverage of Anna movement, it is learnt. Copy writers and Desk persons are busy translating the slogans used by Team Anna during their movement in India.

Friday, October 7, 2011

Pakistan On The Way To Accord MNF-Most favored Nation- Status For India Officially

ByOrder Correspondent
Is Lame A Bad? Oct.7

courtesy : Rahat
India, famously infamous for being the Most Favored Nation by many terrorist groups of Pakistan is going to have it officially. Pakistan PoorReign  Minister Heena Rabbani has said the status is likely to act as a candid confession for the country whose image has nosedived internationally. 

ISI, fondly known as Illegitimate Service Inc., in addition to several militant organisations of Pakistan have favored Indian cities as their prime targets in the past.. After the terrorist attack on Mumbai, everyone knew MFN status for India was well due. Jammu-Kashmir, the Indian state with disputed borders has been accorded MFS-Most favored state- status way back in 1947. It was energetically renewed during Gen. Zia regime.  

Foreign Minister of Pakistan said the MFN status will create large market for the Jehadi, the Talibans and other extremists with or without direct support of the Pakistan Government. It will be easier for them to operate in India thereafter. The US swiftly denied the proposal of MFN from Pakistan, its ally & ailment in the war against tErrorism, it is unreliably learnt. 

Thursday, October 6, 2011

BPL Row: It’s Parties' Time

Below Propriety Line News
New Delhi, Oct.6

As pressure mounted on the Government to revise the definition of Below Poverty Line all of last week, Rueral Dev-Elopment Ministry sought suggestions from various National and Regional Parties. Leaders are responding quickly, says sources.

courtesy : Ravi
Rahul Gandhi, Congress General-Cum-Secret-wry believes anyone who did not visit a Dalit household for few minutes in the last financial year should be considered below poverty line. Mayawati, the champion of the Dalits and BSP leader, has different ideas though. 

In her view, anyone who has not been allotted government land for his/her statue during last year should be entitled for BPL status. She said it was ‘Statue’tory right of citizens of India to get their statues installed.

BJP’s Prime Mini-sterile candidate-in-travelling L.K.Advani is in favour of granting BPL status to those who didn’t undertake a single yatra of more than 30 Kms. by road in an AC coach during last fiscal. Ex-disciple of Ex-PM-in-waiting, Narendra Modi is all for granting BPL identification to those families who fast round the year. The catch is they should spend more than a crore of rupees during their fasting period. J.Jaylalitha thinks anyone not having a case of disproportionate wealth against him/her should be treated as BPL.

Moreover, there is wide consensus among the parties that any candidate accepting bribe below Rs. 1 Crore will be considered BPL candidate- in fact a true representative of BPLs across the country.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

BJP Ready For Mid-term Polls: Eager To Replace 'Liability' With 'Lie-abillity'

Say Frown Reporter
New Delhi, Oct.2
Talking to party workers, BJP veteran LK Ad-Waning said they should be ready for mid-term polls, either for Lock Sabha or for the BJP president-ship. He lashed out at Congress and called it a ‘liability’. “The country has seen enough of it. Now it is time for BJP, the party well known for its Lie-ability, to take over – and carry forward the traditions of UPA government.” said the old guard and Voluntarily Retired Prime Minister-In-Waiting.

BJP Troika : Glowing With Ambitions/ OF Photo
Arun Jet-Set-ly told reporters the Congress is ‘very critical’ and UPA Government was facing multiple problems. BJP, the party with similar traits, had all rights to replace Congress in present situation, pointed out Jaitely. He said BJP, the party with difference, was bubbling with differences among the top brass which made it vibrant and well suited to run the show.

Ni-Ton Gadkari in his inimitable style declared Congress’ right to govern may be legal but it was not moral. He denied rumours of mid-term polls within the party for the post of president and offered to resign on the slightest indication of Narendra Modi, Chief Minister of Gujarat. In the meanwhile, Modi, known for flouting rules, is toying with the idea of floating Indian version of ‘Tea Party’ which may be called ‘Jay Somnath Party’ (JSP). Sources suggest he may choose Somnath, the place from where Advani began his Rath Yatra, to announce his new Venture. Laloo Prasad, who as a CM issued orders of the arrest of Advani during Rath Yatra, is likely to be requested to flag off Modi’s new party, adds sources.

Saturday, October 1, 2011

Bradman Retired Decades Early As He Was Afraid Of My Bowling: Shoaib Akhtar

Our Cry-Cat correspondent
I-Slam-aBad, Oct.1

Show-ebb Akhtar : Pakistan’s Next Ambassador to US?

Pakistan’s pace-face Show-ebb Akhtar, has missed the line in order to generate extra pace and delivered a wide ball once more. An unedited, unofficial copy of ‘Controversially Yours’, Shoaib’s tell-all-spare-none account or his-tory, now in possession with Originally Fake News is full of startling revelations.

“Cricket Legend Don Bradman was good batsman” writes Shoaib, “but he could not withstand even the idea of facing me- let alone my bowling. He retired decades before I entered the scene.“ According to Shoaib, Bradman was great because “he saw me coming- even before my parents.”

Islamabad is abuzz with the whispers of Shoaib replacing Pakistan’s current ambassador to US, as he has demonstrated commendable confidence while admitting all the accusations from ball-tempering to match-fixing. A section of Pak Government think Shoaib is the best bet as he can admit Pakistan’s involvement with terrorism, Haqqani Network, Talibans, Al Qaida and yet get away with by merely following up with the sequel “Contradictorily Yours”.