(O)Mission Statement

(o)mission Statement: News & other content on this blog is purely fictional and imaginary. Readers believing it & getting hurt may do so at their own peril.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Kapil Hits siBull’s Eye : To Ban Photoshop, Picasa and other Photo-editing Software

Uncensored News of India,
Naïve Daily, Dec 8

Not satisfied with merely keeping tab on the activities of social networking sites, In-for-mutation & BroadCastrating minister Kapil SeeBull is all set to replace the use of popular Photo-editing software with the new one approved by 10 Shun-path

dummy launch of 'UPA'- the new government  approved
Photo-editing software
SeeBull was furious when he reportedly came across some prank pics of PM & Sonia Gandhi on a social networking site. The minister, fuming with indignation at the  digitally altered pictures, took position a la Veena Malik and threatened social networking sites by shedding all cloths of democracy. The gesture quickly captured him to flavor of the week on the sites such as farcebook.Obviously, everybody wanted to know whether he had suicidal tendencies or just sycophant ones; and in the process, he managed to earn highest search-rating too


As the internet giants did not seem to pay heed to SeeBull’s threat, he thought of going backward- the only direction known to his government. Pledging to address the root-cause, he now hopes to control the very software that helps creation of dirty pictures sans Ms. Balan. SeeBull is expected to launch new photo-editing software that will have ‘beautify’ options in stead of ‘distort’. Mixing of two photos will be impossible for its users. The software is likely to be launched under ‘RGEGS’- Rajiv Gandhi Employment Generation Scheme. 

Friday, November 25, 2011

Designers to create ‘Shoe & Slap’ Collection For Political Class

Fa...sh..sh..sh..ion Bureau Exclusive

Mumbai, Nov 26

Bullet-proof Jackets and Z-plus security are passé for IPL- Indian Political Leaders. Their urge for more refuses to go away. More wary of shoes & slaps than bullets, Netas are all set to change their dress code replacing Kurta-Sherwani. Especially after the treatment given to Hunger Minister un-Shared Power.

proposed design from 'Shoe & Slap Collection'
Citing security reasons and looming threat from the “aam adami”, all parties have accepted the proposal of new dress code in national interest; dutifully keeping in mind national unrest. Leading Fashion designers have taken a cue and started working on the tentatively titled ‘Shoe & Slap Collection’ for political winter that is chilling the leaders across the party lines. The new designs are likely to involve helmet-like caps, collars designed like cheek-guards (to avert slaps) and shirts made of bullet-proof material. A silicon valley company has been pitched in to develop ‘shoe-detector' during press-conferences. It will protect the leaders from foot projectiles that may go ballistic.

‘Shoe & Slap Collection’ is expected to make it big in political fashion with the fast-approaching assembly elections of five states. All parties have shown keen interest and placed orders of high quantity, inform sources.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Election Reforms in Fast Lane: Govt to replace Elections with F1 racing


Sports Reap-orter
New Deal-hi, Oct 31

Feeling the pressure from all quarters for changes in the electoral system, the Central Government has come out with a novel idea: To replace Lok Sabha Elections with F1 racing. Candidates willing to enter the Lok sabha will have to win the race which in turn will decide the candidate for the constituency. 

It will be easy to manage all the races in 2-3 phases with high precision and no disputes, removing all possibilities of corrupt practice normally associated with conventional elections. Tracks required for Electoral racing , also known as E1 racing, have been approved by the Government as well as the Election Commission.

Special tracks will be prepared in every state capital, construction of which will be awarded by a committee headed jointly by Suresh Kalmadi & Anna Hazare. Kalmadi has a vast experience of awarding contracts before the commonwealth games and Hazare is a well known anti-graft activist with the speed matching F1 race standards.

Members of Team Anna (United till we part) are happy over this surprise development, inform sources. The Congress is likely to engage Vettel for the training process of 2014 Lok Sabha racing, while the BJP is fast approaching Schumacher via Bal Thackarey - Sachin Tendulkar route.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

MoneyTake Singh Unveils Latest Human Development Index

Eco-comic Reap-or-Tar
Hue Delhi, Oct 23

The latest Human Development Index aka Humor De-Elopment Index has brought some good news for the Uni-tainted Prerogative Alliance government. It shows ‘inclusive growth’ may not be just a slow-gan for the government as steady rise has been noted on various parameters, including the number of jailed leaders.

According to the report, politically weaker sections like the PM, the government and some allies, earlier classified as the malnourished power-wise, are finally catching up with the rest of the political class, as opposition parties too have found themselves in the soup due to various controversies and accusations of corruption. The index, unveiled by Blah-ning Commission Deputy Chairman MoneyTake Singh has been compiled by the Institute of Appalled Man-poor Research.

The report comprises of three main indicators- consumption expenditure by CBI & CAG, health of the government and literacy levels of leaders.  HDI has registered impressive gains on all these parameters.  MoneyTake affirmed that the findings will be of great help in formulating the ad campaign for 2014 Loksabha elections.

Friday, October 21, 2011

After Telangana, Ante Up For Separate Tihar Movement

Poly-trick-all Bureau
Naive Delhi, Oct 11

Map of proposed Union Territory of Tihar
Chants of ‘No Bihar. Just Tihar’ and ‘Nahi manenge kisi se haar, leke rahenge hamara Tihaar’ are in the air. Effectiveness of Telangana pro-tasters who seek separate state from Andhra Pradesh has inspired a section of Tihar elite; the high profile politicians lodged at Tihar Jail. They have raised demands for a separate & independent Tihar. According to their proposal, the area in and around Tihar jail should be declared union territory so that it can get full advantage of the skills of its high profile inmates.

Leaders like Raja, Amarsingh, Kanimozhi, Kalmadi who have sacrificed their careers to project India as a rising economic superpower by crafting scams worth Crores of Rupees need a fair deal, according to the sources. Their expertise in financial matters needs to be utilized in country's interest. They have demanded a different set of laws and sent a proposal for TU- Tihar Union Territory. If Fortune decides to publish the list of the richest 500 politicians, Tihar will have a lion’s share, claimed the leaders of ‘Separate Tihar’ movement.

            The proposal is under consideration, according to North Blocked sources. Sonia gandhi is believed to be interested in a separate Tihar as it would serve as penal settlement right in the middle of the capital where corrupt Congress leaders can be sent. What's more, the Congress party can boast strict actions against the corrupt, without losing their services and expertise. 

Monday, October 17, 2011

Bar Lowered To Fill Engg Seats: Admissions Open for 11h Standard Students



AsYouCan-tion Reporter
Ahmedabad, Oct 17

Bar no bar for the students of Gujarat. The state education dept. has lowered eligi-disability criteria further for admi- sins in professional courses. The qualifying percentage for degree curses will be 100% - willingness of the candidate, that is.

The move is seen as nth attempt to fool-fill  existing demand and to fill thousands of vacant seats. Any student studying in 12th (sub)standard will be able to secure admission in degree courses directly, informs sources. "If the seats remain vacant even after the new measure, we will take radical steps" said the really concerned officials. "We may open gates for B.Com, B.A. & even PTC students who want to join degree engineering courses."

Educationists said that the state should not allow further dip in the eligibility criteria for admissions in engineering as it will affect education quality in the state. They strongly .resisted any move to entertain SSC students and let them enter in degree engineering courses directly, with additional ‘Impact Fee’. 

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Advani Begins Janus Cheat-na Yatra From Bihar

Tra-Veil-ing Correspondent
Bihar, Oct.11

L.K.AdWaning is on the move again. He began his 38-day Janus Chetna Yatra from the land of JP. The abbreviation stands for Jayprakash Narayan – and not for the Joint Parliamentary (committee), clarified the veteran at the outset.
 
“I am formally launching my Janus Chetna Yatra as a formality against corruption and to bring back black money stashed in foreign banks so that ratings of our banks do not have to suffer” affirmed Mr. Advani.  He expressed concern over downgrading of SBI and asked for the resignations of PM as well as Moody’s CEO. Lashing out as Sonia Gandhi, Advani said she should take lessons of renunciation from him. “Look at me. I am no longer in the race for PMship. Party has offered me much more than that- the advice to withdraw from the race, to be precise.”

His Janus Chetna Yatra is aimed at the corruption of Central government whilst delicately  looking away from corruption of his own party members. The nomenclature “Janus” came from the double faces of the leader in matters ranging from corruption to communalism. Janus, the God Of Greek Mythology has two faces since very much like Mr.Advani, who looks at the past and the future at the same time.

“Today the people of this country have lost faith in my ability as a Prime Ministerial Candidate. The biggest achievement of this yatra would be to restore that faith” said the 84- year leader.

Saturday, October 8, 2011

Anna Likely To Campaign Against The Democrats In The Next US Elections

US & Them Bureau
Wash a ton, Oct.8


Anna Hazare, renowned social Fastivist with Gandhi cap and the person whose search ratings zoomed ahead of Anna Kournikova, has declared his intentions to campaign against the ruling Democratic party whose tenure has proved disastrous for US. Teem Anna is likely to visit US next month with Anna’s message to launch the campaign. Sarah Palin is all set to play host, informed Kiran Bedi. Tea Party leaders may extend honorary membership to Bedi during the visit. 

Talking to reporters, Anna said he had nothing personal against President Obama but he cannot tolerate the way the president handled The Almost Second Depression. MTAs- Members of Team Anna- in the meantime, are busy discussing the logistics of fast unto death program in White House loan. Fan clubs of Sarah Palin along with several Tea Party enthusiasts have vouched for their foolhardy..er. full hearted support to Anna Movement, says sources.

Fox News is in talks with Times Now to have Arnab Goswami as a front man for special coverage of Anna movement, it is learnt. Copy writers and Desk persons are busy translating the slogans used by Team Anna during their movement in India.

Friday, October 7, 2011

Pakistan On The Way To Accord MNF-Most favored Nation- Status For India Officially

ByOrder Correspondent
Is Lame A Bad? Oct.7

courtesy : Rahat
India, famously infamous for being the Most Favored Nation by many terrorist groups of Pakistan is going to have it officially. Pakistan PoorReign  Minister Heena Rabbani has said the status is likely to act as a candid confession for the country whose image has nosedived internationally. 

ISI, fondly known as Illegitimate Service Inc., in addition to several militant organisations of Pakistan have favored Indian cities as their prime targets in the past.. After the terrorist attack on Mumbai, everyone knew MFN status for India was well due. Jammu-Kashmir, the Indian state with disputed borders has been accorded MFS-Most favored state- status way back in 1947. It was energetically renewed during Gen. Zia regime.  

Foreign Minister of Pakistan said the MFN status will create large market for the Jehadi, the Talibans and other extremists with or without direct support of the Pakistan Government. It will be easier for them to operate in India thereafter. The US swiftly denied the proposal of MFN from Pakistan, its ally & ailment in the war against tErrorism, it is unreliably learnt. 

Thursday, October 6, 2011

BPL Row: It’s Parties' Time

Below Propriety Line News
New Delhi, Oct.6

As pressure mounted on the Government to revise the definition of Below Poverty Line all of last week, Rueral Dev-Elopment Ministry sought suggestions from various National and Regional Parties. Leaders are responding quickly, says sources.

courtesy : Ravi
Rahul Gandhi, Congress General-Cum-Secret-wry believes anyone who did not visit a Dalit household for few minutes in the last financial year should be considered below poverty line. Mayawati, the champion of the Dalits and BSP leader, has different ideas though. 

In her view, anyone who has not been allotted government land for his/her statue during last year should be entitled for BPL status. She said it was ‘Statue’tory right of citizens of India to get their statues installed.


BJP’s Prime Mini-sterile candidate-in-travelling L.K.Advani is in favour of granting BPL status to those who didn’t undertake a single yatra of more than 30 Kms. by road in an AC coach during last fiscal. Ex-disciple of Ex-PM-in-waiting, Narendra Modi is all for granting BPL identification to those families who fast round the year. The catch is they should spend more than a crore of rupees during their fasting period. J.Jaylalitha thinks anyone not having a case of disproportionate wealth against him/her should be treated as BPL.

Moreover, there is wide consensus among the parties that any candidate accepting bribe below Rs. 1 Crore will be considered BPL candidate- in fact a true representative of BPLs across the country.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

BJP Ready For Mid-term Polls: Eager To Replace 'Liability' With 'Lie-abillity'


Say Frown Reporter
New Delhi, Oct.2
Talking to party workers, BJP veteran LK Ad-Waning said they should be ready for mid-term polls, either for Lock Sabha or for the BJP president-ship. He lashed out at Congress and called it a ‘liability’. “The country has seen enough of it. Now it is time for BJP, the party well known for its Lie-ability, to take over – and carry forward the traditions of UPA government.” said the old guard and Voluntarily Retired Prime Minister-In-Waiting.

BJP Troika : Glowing With Ambitions/ OF Photo
Arun Jet-Set-ly told reporters the Congress is ‘very critical’ and UPA Government was facing multiple problems. BJP, the party with similar traits, had all rights to replace Congress in present situation, pointed out Jaitely. He said BJP, the party with difference, was bubbling with differences among the top brass which made it vibrant and well suited to run the show.

Ni-Ton Gadkari in his inimitable style declared Congress’ right to govern may be legal but it was not moral. He denied rumours of mid-term polls within the party for the post of president and offered to resign on the slightest indication of Narendra Modi, Chief Minister of Gujarat. In the meanwhile, Modi, known for flouting rules, is toying with the idea of floating Indian version of ‘Tea Party’ which may be called ‘Jay Somnath Party’ (JSP). Sources suggest he may choose Somnath, the place from where Advani began his Rath Yatra, to announce his new Venture. Laloo Prasad, who as a CM issued orders of the arrest of Advani during Rath Yatra, is likely to be requested to flag off Modi’s new party, adds sources.

Saturday, October 1, 2011

Bradman Retired Decades Early As He Was Afraid Of My Bowling: Shoaib Akhtar

Our Cry-Cat correspondent
I-Slam-aBad, Oct.1

Show-ebb Akhtar : Pakistan’s Next Ambassador to US?

Pakistan’s pace-face Show-ebb Akhtar, has missed the line in order to generate extra pace and delivered a wide ball once more. An unedited, unofficial copy of ‘Controversially Yours’, Shoaib’s tell-all-spare-none account or his-tory, now in possession with Originally Fake News is full of startling revelations.

“Cricket Legend Don Bradman was good batsman” writes Shoaib, “but he could not withstand even the idea of facing me- let alone my bowling. He retired decades before I entered the scene.“ According to Shoaib, Bradman was great because “he saw me coming- even before my parents.”

Islamabad is abuzz with the whispers of Shoaib replacing Pakistan’s current ambassador to US, as he has demonstrated commendable confidence while admitting all the accusations from ball-tempering to match-fixing. A section of Pak Government think Shoaib is the best bet as he can admit Pakistan’s involvement with terrorism, Haqqani Network, Talibans, Al Qaida and yet get away with by merely following up with the sequel “Contradictorily Yours”. 

Friday, September 30, 2011

Joint Statement Of cowed down Pranab MOOkherjee and Poor Chi- Damn-Baram

North Blocked Reporter
New Delhi, Sept.30
Two senior ministers of UPA-United Progressive Allotment- Government have chosen for truce instead of truth. The tables turned after their meeting with Mrs.Gandhi the second, so addressed in line with royal tradition. Both the ministers held a joint press conference to press the point that they were neither erring nor warring. Both expressed their gratitude towards Sonia Gandhi, anarchy-tact of the truce. “It is on her insistence we decided to bury the truth..er..the hatchet.” said the ministers.

They Knelt down before the photo of Sonia Gandhi before issuing the Joint statement. Their statement is a classic example of the unbridled co-operation that exists among UPA mime-sters. Originally Fake News has got the original text. Here it goes.

P Chidu: I am
P Mockerji: happy about
PC: the statement
PM: made by
PC: my senior
PM: and anguished
PC: cool-eague.
PM: I accept
PC: his checkmate.
PM: As far as all of us
PC: in the government are concerned
PM: and worried
PC: the matter is over
PM: Watch out the space outside the Government for more. 

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Con-fidential Summary of the FInMin Note Prepared For So-nia, Yet So Far Gandhi


courtesy: Udayshankar
Our Poly-critical Reporter
Delhi Underbelly, Sept. 30
'2G or not 2G'- the eternal congress dilemma regarding spectrum scam is over as Madam G has come alive and probably kicking the erring ministers at long last. She took the ministers to task in the meeting at 10, Jan-apathy, says relianceable sources. 

Key issue on which the opposition is Locking horns is the note sent by the PMO-Pranab Mukherjee’s Office- to the PMO. The note is in public domain, but Originally Fake News has got a summary of the note which was submitted to So nia yet so far Gandhi on her insistence. Pro-NOP (not our problem) Mukherjee himself prepared the summary. Excerpts: 
Confidential
2G Note For SG :Joining the DoTs
Simple Interpretations Of Basic Facts Related to Pricing and Allocation of 2G spectrum:

The DoT precluded the role of Ministry of Finance, if any, in spectrum pricing. Then FM (read Chidambaram), sent a secret note to the PM wherein, an auction based mechanism was recommended for future allocation of spectrum. In a Telecom Committee meeting, the issue of entry fee was not discussed and the MoF Representative who attended the meeting did not raise the issue of revision of entry fee. 
To cut the long story short, WE ARE SCREWED either way.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Navratri Organizers Invite Bid for Recordings of CC TV cameras installed at Garba Venues


Vultural Correspondent 
Dandiya-bad, Sept. 28

Navratri, touted as the longest dancing festi-whirl on the earth and presumably in the entire solar system starts today. Before Navratri - the nine day festival of sin-ging & dancing, the Ahmedabad Police Commissioner has made it mandatory for commercial Garba organizers to install CC TV cameras at and around the Garba venues.

Taking a leaf out of Gujarat CM Narendra Modi's Copied Book,  organizers of Garba festival have decided to take the legal compulsions and dictates of law in  their stride and even encash these. According to the plan, they will auction one time broadcasting rights as well as perpetual rights of the content recorded on CC TV cameras on a daily basis. Enthusiastic organizers have christened See-See TV cameras as 'Chaniya Choli TV cameras' - Chaniya Choli being the trenditional festival's special dressing.

Many broadcasters have shown interest in the Cheeky-Chirpy TV content, say sources. Entertainment channels are keen on the Bollywoodish song & dance part whereas channels like whaM TV are anxious to get visuals of guys & girls hanging around the venue, ostensibly for their adult shows. 

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Chidambaram Clarifies : I Offered To Reign, Not Resign

PC(I), New Delhi, Sept.27

courtesy : Live Barath
Seriously troubled over Finance Mini stray's note to the PMO, whoME? Minister Chidambaram offered to resign yesterday. In a curious turn of events, his office has issued a clarification suggesting the Minister actually wanted to convey, ‘I am ready to reign (despite the allegations)’. The typist, not appointed by auction method, made a slip and punched ‘resign’ instead of ‘reign’.

PMO has issued a detailed clarification as well. It says the PM firmly believes Chidambaram would never offer his resignation and he is fully confident about it. PM also denied that there was any rift among the ministers, who knows Chidambaram well, on this issue. Sonia Gandhi, the G above 2G & 3G, kept mum and declined to comment on ChidedByMum. Pro-Nob Mukherjee, ‘Mr. Fix-it’ of the Congress, foxed it this time, believe many in the Congress party.

In the meanwhile, A. Raja, first generation causality of second generation spectrum allocation is eager to welcome his senior colleague Chidambaram to Tihar - the home for all 2G scam accused. ‘The home waits for the Home Minister’ said Raja with a wink; when asked for a quip.

Monday, September 26, 2011

After Tomatino, Ahmedabad Braces For Bullfighting


Spamdabad, Sept.26


Bull Fight, banned in Spain, has found unexpected welcome at Ahmedabad, mega city of Gujarat. Ahmedabad has a long tradition of catching the bull by the horns. Negotiating with stray uncontrolled bulls and not so sacred cows on the road is routine practice for the residents of Ahmedabad. This experience & expertise is likely to give local matadors an edge.

Spain had to ban bullfighting due to fierce opposition of animal right activists who termed it as barbaric bloody sport. Keeping in mind the reservations average Ahmedabadis have for rights activists of any kind, bullfighting organisers are hopeful to get red carpet reception. Government of Gujarat, desperate to develop tourism industry of the state at any cost, is in talks with Spanish bullfighting associations for the exchange of technology.

Apparently looking relieved, a tourism hawk said the best part of the bullfighting is Mahatma Gandhi did not utter a word on it though he had much to say on cows. The Mahatma considered cows sacred and successive states as well as central Governments have continued to treat the Mahatma as a sacred cow. Both the points leave ample room for government to arrange bullfighting at Mahatma Mandir, Gandhinagar.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

9/24 moment for US As Uncontrollable NASA Satellite Crash-lands : Al Qaeda Hand Suspected

Err..Bit Services
HoaxTon, Spet.25
Artist's Impression: Gra-fake Inter Planational

Free fall of NASA satellite in to Pacific Ocean has left many unpacified in US.  President Obama quipeed “yes, we canned (it) “and took a sigh of relief as the debris did not fall on 9/11 memorial. FBLie suspects Al Qaeda design in the crash and has started the hunt for clues. Moody’s is likely to downgrade US rating even further after the free fall resembling to Lehman Brother three years back. “After wall street, Federal government is losing control over its satellites and that is really unfortunate” said an official on condition of anonymity.

Al Qaeda operatives from unspecified location somewhere near AfPak Border have claimed responsibility for the accident. Recorded message on Qaeda-affiliated site declared it is the soul of Usama Bin Laden that is doing the tricks from heaven, situated just above the orbit of the crashed satellite. It has warned US for more such incidents.

Ex-president George W. Bush fumed it was high time for US to send troops in orbit to ensure peace and democracy. Talking to reporters from his ranch, Bush termed the event as 9/24 and added, “AL Qaeda should not misunderestimate US firepower. Every nation in the orbit has a decision to make. Either you are with us- plunging & crash-landing- or you are against us.”

Saturday, September 24, 2011

What will Paris Hilton do in Mumbai? A Fakesclusive Report

HollowWood Beau-raw
Mumbai, Sept.24

PayRis Hilton, famous for milking her famousness to the hilt, is on a three day visit to Mumbai starting from today. Official purpose of the visit is to launch her brand in India, the land of Mallika Sherawat and Freido Pinto. Speculations are strife over her other en-gauge-ments in Mumbai. Originally Fake News has got wind of some of her scheduled meetings.

An Evening Of Paris In Mumbai
'Matoshree' will be the first place Paris will visit in Mumbai to see Bal thackrey. Purpose of their meeting is to get ‘cultural clearance’ of her visit so that her public functions don’t get ransacked and her brand not burnt by Shiv Sainiks. Reliable sources add Thackrey Senior is keen to show the loo in ‘Matoshree’ that Michel Jackson used during his visit.

Raj Thackrey will be throwing Zunka-Bhakar party for Paris Hilton. She will meet Raj and together they will discuss the prospectus of Maharashtra NavvNirvaan ..er .. NavNirman Party in US and chances of its affiliation with the Tea Party. NCP boss and BCCI baron un-Shared Power has arranged her meeting with top politicians at Lavasa City. Paris will share experience of her fake election campaign and seek further guidance from Indian experts there.

Bollywood is simmering with excitement on this occasion. Paris is eager to meet Salman Can, says a source. They are likely to exchange notes on their tryst with the police after driving under the influence of alcohol, speeding and several other brat-ish offences. 

Friday, September 23, 2011

Govt. Acts Fast On Revising Poverty Parameters After Row: New BPL List To Include PM and MPs

Poor Rich Crazy-Bureau
New Delhi, Sept.23

Faced and defaced with fierce criticism over Planning Commission’s criteria for poverty line, the Government is seeking alternatives. A Panel headed by Mocktake SIngh Ah Uh Wah Ah has suggested  new parameters to define BPL.

courtesy: Subhani

Some of the salient points of the confidential report submitted to PMO, now in possession of Original Fake News, are as under:
  1. Family without a person appearing On TV News, discussions, Reality Shows, Contests
  2. No Sanity- tension. No `To Let` property
  3. No (clear majority in) House or dilapidated House (like present Lok Sabha)
  4. No land (for Samadhi in Delhi)
  5. No space for making independent decision
  6. No regularly elected person in the family.
  7. No access to safe drinking water to water down allegations
  8. Woman-headed household or House with a woman’s hold
  9. Funda-mentally challenged members of the House
Persons meeting any one of the above parameters will be issued new BPL cards if suggestions of the panel are accepted. PM is entitled for BPL under clause 3, 5, 6 and 8 according to the new report, informs sources. 

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Salman Khan's Next Film Sets New Record: Trailer Sold For Rs.15 Crore

Our Chorus-pondent
MumBhai, Sept.22

courtesy: Saumitra Kabra
SoldMan Khan, the new super stare of Bollywood, has one more record to his credit. The trailer of his next film `Bhai, Bhai & Bhai', produced by his brother ArreBas Khan, was auctioned for spinal chord breaking price of Rs. 15 Cr.

The trailer is slated for its worldwide release on NewTube and in theaters all over the world next  Friday. The name of the heroine is yet to be decided. Karina Kapoor, having similar score in her figure which corresponds her acting skills i.e. zero, has been approached for the role.

Producer ArreBas Khan declined to reveal the story. On further insistence however, he parted with a single line story exclusively for Originally Fake. According to him, the film has Salman in a triple role – as Bhai, Bhai and of course, Bhai. The story may require two more heroines. Khan revealed thaothey may go for mannequins to match up to Kareena’s  performance.

Aamir Khan reacted sharply to this development. He said ‘ this is ridiculous’ and added after a long pause, ‘why the hell I did not think of it?’ His wife consoled him and said she would make one more film for Aamir, ‘Washing Machine’ as a sequel to ‘Dhobi ghat’ so that Aamir can recover the losses of ‘Dhobi ghat’ from the trailer of the new film

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

What An Idea, Behenji : Mayawati Suggests Reservation for The Corrupt & The Tainted

GraftCraft News
Luck (for) Now, Sept.21

Courtesy: Satish Acharya: 
Bahujan Samaj Party Supremo and Chief Minister of UP, Mayawati is at it again. She has demanded reserved seats, this time for the corrupt and the tainted candidates in the institutions ranging from Panchayat to Vidhan Parishad and of course, Lok Sabha. According to her proposal, 15% of total seats should be reserved for the corrupt and 10% for the tainted. She firmly believes this will be of great help in controlling corruption.

Her logic is simple and disarming. By officially allotting 25% of the seats to the tainted and the corrupt, rest of the seats will be occupied by non-corrupt candidates. 'Babasaheb wanted to make our democracy strong' said Ms.Mayawati and added, 'the corrupt and the tainted leaders of all parties are very much part of our polity and we can not wish them away. We need to accommodate them in order to strengthen our democracy.' 

'Look at me.' declared confident Mayawati 'I have been accused of all kinds of scandals ranging from garlands of currency note to Taj Corridor Case. See how brazenly I fought back and have succeeded as a CM. '  Mayawati's demand has found support from broad spectrum of the political class. They have extended full faith in  Mayawati's proposal and said they are all for strengthening the democracy La Mayawati-way. 

She was furious when asked about her relationship with Julian Assange, the brain behind Wikileaks. This has set tongues wagging in Lucknow. Our Secretariat sources informs us that  there is already a file on the move for acquiring 10 acres of land near Lucknow for memorial dedicated to Julian Assange. It will be a shoe-shaped building, it is learnt.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

You are stupid if you do not fast in Gujarat, says Tata : To launch Nano Fast for common man

Modi to sign MoUs worth Rs.50 Lakh Crores for Next Round of State-wide FastFests.

MO-Use & throw Services
Gandhinagar, Sept.20

Caricature Courtesy :
Prabhakar Bhatalekar 
Ratan Tata was looking visibly Radia-nt after meeting Narendra Modi, CM of Gujarat. Talking to media persons, he said, ''You are stupid if you do not fast in Gujarat and ensure favors from the Government. I am impressed with the way CM has put Gujarat on fast track.’ Tata especially praised Modi's attitude of fasting from the front and said he must be commending for his imagination in coming out with innovative industry in itself, something which even a century old business houses like Tata with vast range of business interests could not think of.  

Enthusiastic over future of 'fasting industry', Tata add that he will ask researchers of Tata Institute of Social Sciences to work on Nano version of fast so that persons of all class, castes & creed can afford it. ‘I am on Nano fast myself, from lunch to breakfast and to personally observe how it works.` quipped Tata.

Other industrialists have taken the cue. Adani, the industrial magnet having solid bond with ‘the iron man’ - blame it on magnetism- said in a voice choked with emotion, ‘you can divide time in 2 eras. AD & Modi. In AD, fasting was associated austerity and compulsion for many but Modi's fast have proved a game-changer. Fasting is a booming sector now.  Modi is aiming to sign MOU worth Rs.50 Lakh Crores on the fasting industry alone during the next season of Vibrant Gujarat. 

Monday, September 19, 2011

Fakesclusive: Narendra Modi’s Original, Unedited Letter to ‘Dear Brothers & Sisters’


Sc-Oops Special
Gandhinagar, Sept.19

In a veritable first, Originally Fake has got a copy on original letter that Narendra Modi  drafted originally but was changed later on. The copy, now in possession with Originally Fake, bears deleted portions of the letter.

My Fellow countrymen Dear Brothers and Sisters
Jay Shriram Saadar Pranam,
Today, I begin my 3 days fast show of Sadbhavna Mission with (Media & TV Channels’) your blessings and good wishes. This Mission is totally dedicated to the civil society constantly critical of me and Prime-Ministership of the Nation. It aims at Unity, Harmony and Brotherhood among all constituents of NDA whose support will be necessary soon after Loksabha elections of 2014.
Twenty first century did not begin well for Gujarat. In 2001, the devastating earthquake on our Republic day, took a very heavy toll in the form of resignation of Keshubhai patel, then CM. I was air-dropped as a CM  thereafter. In the subsequent year, Gujarat became the victim of man-made, government connived communal violence. They We lost innocent lives, suffered devastation of property and endured lot of pain. One can visualize what all we have gone through only because of some sections of the media and some sane voices which my supporters and I love hate the most.
Those were very difficult and trying days, the demand for law & order, neutral probes,justice and those secular human rightwallahs, you know.. However, Gujarat has come out of these difficulties and successfully deviated public attention from damning issues, leapfrogged on the path of development. Today, Gujarat is progressing fast. The artificial atmosphere of peace, unity, social harmony and brotherhood generated by self-obsessed publicity blitzkrieg has given further impetus to the process of development.
The Indian history is a witness that casteism and communalism have never done any good to society. This is also my own firm conviction after being hounded by the failure and connivance of my own Government in 2002 .  I have Gujarat has understood this and having pretended to overcome these evils, it has adopted the path of Inclusive Development that includes even grazing lands  (Gaucher) of the state. We are committed to work for a enveloped developed Gujarat for a developed India.
My dear Brothers and Sisters! No State, society or individual can claim to be perfect. Who knows it better than me? I am grateful to all those who pointed out my genuine mistakes during last 10 years and have taken on my mud slinging fest without getting disheartened. I seek your blessings to serve the people of this country with devotion free from all legal and moral human shortcomings. As Chief Minister of the State, I have learnt to use the pain of each and every citizen in such a way that it works as is my own gain pain. Ensuring Justice to all is the duty of the State only after I leave that for the Centre.
The six crore people of Gujarat are working together for their own development and that of the State as I have led them to believe. The poorest of the poor is a partner in this process of making my claim for PMship bigger. and is confident that he will get the fruits of my development. Everyone has inculcated the State's ethos of 'Development of all Industrialists with Cooperation of all' (Sabka Saath Sab udyogpatio ka  Vikaas)".
During my fast, I will continue to pray to the Almighty to give me strength so that I do not hesitate to develop or refrain from keeping retain any ill-feeling or bitterness towards those who defamed Gujarat or me by making false allegations.
As it dawned to me off late, Our country is a shining example of Unity in Diversity. I am confident that with your blessings, this Sadbhavna Mission will further strengthen our social fabric which was torn apart in my regime.
I will also pray to God to give the requisite strength to all of us to keep mum and take this fake Sadbhavna Mission forward.
Vande Mataram!