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(o)mission Statement: News & other content on this blog is purely fictional and imaginary. Readers believing it & getting hurt may do so at their own peril.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Kapil Hits siBull’s Eye : To Ban Photoshop, Picasa and other Photo-editing Software

Uncensored News of India,
Naïve Daily, Dec 8

Not satisfied with merely keeping tab on the activities of social networking sites, In-for-mutation & BroadCastrating minister Kapil SeeBull is all set to replace the use of popular Photo-editing software with the new one approved by 10 Shun-path

dummy launch of 'UPA'- the new government  approved
Photo-editing software
SeeBull was furious when he reportedly came across some prank pics of PM & Sonia Gandhi on a social networking site. The minister, fuming with indignation at the  digitally altered pictures, took position a la Veena Malik and threatened social networking sites by shedding all cloths of democracy. The gesture quickly captured him to flavor of the week on the sites such as farcebook.Obviously, everybody wanted to know whether he had suicidal tendencies or just sycophant ones; and in the process, he managed to earn highest search-rating too

As the internet giants did not seem to pay heed to SeeBull’s threat, he thought of going backward- the only direction known to his government. Pledging to address the root-cause, he now hopes to control the very software that helps creation of dirty pictures sans Ms. Balan. SeeBull is expected to launch new photo-editing software that will have ‘beautify’ options in stead of ‘distort’. Mixing of two photos will be impossible for its users. The software is likely to be launched under ‘RGEGS’- Rajiv Gandhi Employment Generation Scheme. 

Friday, November 25, 2011

Designers to create ‘Shoe & Slap’ Collection For Political Class

Fa...sh..sh..sh..ion Bureau Exclusive

Mumbai, Nov 26

Bullet-proof Jackets and Z-plus security are passé for IPL- Indian Political Leaders. Their urge for more refuses to go away. More wary of shoes & slaps than bullets, Netas are all set to change their dress code replacing Kurta-Sherwani. Especially after the treatment given to Hunger Minister un-Shared Power.

proposed design from 'Shoe & Slap Collection'
Citing security reasons and looming threat from the “aam adami”, all parties have accepted the proposal of new dress code in national interest; dutifully keeping in mind national unrest. Leading Fashion designers have taken a cue and started working on the tentatively titled ‘Shoe & Slap Collection’ for political winter that is chilling the leaders across the party lines. The new designs are likely to involve helmet-like caps, collars designed like cheek-guards (to avert slaps) and shirts made of bullet-proof material. A silicon valley company has been pitched in to develop ‘shoe-detector' during press-conferences. It will protect the leaders from foot projectiles that may go ballistic.

‘Shoe & Slap Collection’ is expected to make it big in political fashion with the fast-approaching assembly elections of five states. All parties have shown keen interest and placed orders of high quantity, inform sources.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Election Reforms in Fast Lane: Govt to replace Elections with F1 racing

Sports Reap-orter
New Deal-hi, Oct 31

Feeling the pressure from all quarters for changes in the electoral system, the Central Government has come out with a novel idea: To replace Lok Sabha Elections with F1 racing. Candidates willing to enter the Lok sabha will have to win the race which in turn will decide the candidate for the constituency. 

It will be easy to manage all the races in 2-3 phases with high precision and no disputes, removing all possibilities of corrupt practice normally associated with conventional elections. Tracks required for Electoral racing , also known as E1 racing, have been approved by the Government as well as the Election Commission.

Special tracks will be prepared in every state capital, construction of which will be awarded by a committee headed jointly by Suresh Kalmadi & Anna Hazare. Kalmadi has a vast experience of awarding contracts before the commonwealth games and Hazare is a well known anti-graft activist with the speed matching F1 race standards.

Members of Team Anna (United till we part) are happy over this surprise development, inform sources. The Congress is likely to engage Vettel for the training process of 2014 Lok Sabha racing, while the BJP is fast approaching Schumacher via Bal Thackarey - Sachin Tendulkar route.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

MoneyTake Singh Unveils Latest Human Development Index

Eco-comic Reap-or-Tar
Hue Delhi, Oct 23

The latest Human Development Index aka Humor De-Elopment Index has brought some good news for the Uni-tainted Prerogative Alliance government. It shows ‘inclusive growth’ may not be just a slow-gan for the government as steady rise has been noted on various parameters, including the number of jailed leaders.

According to the report, politically weaker sections like the PM, the government and some allies, earlier classified as the malnourished power-wise, are finally catching up with the rest of the political class, as opposition parties too have found themselves in the soup due to various controversies and accusations of corruption. The index, unveiled by Blah-ning Commission Deputy Chairman MoneyTake Singh has been compiled by the Institute of Appalled Man-poor Research.

The report comprises of three main indicators- consumption expenditure by CBI & CAG, health of the government and literacy levels of leaders.  HDI has registered impressive gains on all these parameters.  MoneyTake affirmed that the findings will be of great help in formulating the ad campaign for 2014 Loksabha elections.

Friday, October 21, 2011

After Telangana, Ante Up For Separate Tihar Movement

Poly-trick-all Bureau
Naive Delhi, Oct 11

Map of proposed Union Territory of Tihar
Chants of ‘No Bihar. Just Tihar’ and ‘Nahi manenge kisi se haar, leke rahenge hamara Tihaar’ are in the air. Effectiveness of Telangana pro-tasters who seek separate state from Andhra Pradesh has inspired a section of Tihar elite; the high profile politicians lodged at Tihar Jail. They have raised demands for a separate & independent Tihar. According to their proposal, the area in and around Tihar jail should be declared union territory so that it can get full advantage of the skills of its high profile inmates.

Leaders like Raja, Amarsingh, Kanimozhi, Kalmadi who have sacrificed their careers to project India as a rising economic superpower by crafting scams worth Crores of Rupees need a fair deal, according to the sources. Their expertise in financial matters needs to be utilized in country's interest. They have demanded a different set of laws and sent a proposal for TU- Tihar Union Territory. If Fortune decides to publish the list of the richest 500 politicians, Tihar will have a lion’s share, claimed the leaders of ‘Separate Tihar’ movement.

            The proposal is under consideration, according to North Blocked sources. Sonia gandhi is believed to be interested in a separate Tihar as it would serve as penal settlement right in the middle of the capital where corrupt Congress leaders can be sent. What's more, the Congress party can boast strict actions against the corrupt, without losing their services and expertise. 

Monday, October 17, 2011

Bar Lowered To Fill Engg Seats: Admissions Open for 11h Standard Students

AsYouCan-tion Reporter
Ahmedabad, Oct 17

Bar no bar for the students of Gujarat. The state education dept. has lowered eligi-disability criteria further for admi- sins in professional courses. The qualifying percentage for degree curses will be 100% - willingness of the candidate, that is.

The move is seen as nth attempt to fool-fill  existing demand and to fill thousands of vacant seats. Any student studying in 12th (sub)standard will be able to secure admission in degree courses directly, informs sources. "If the seats remain vacant even after the new measure, we will take radical steps" said the really concerned officials. "We may open gates for B.Com, B.A. & even PTC students who want to join degree engineering courses."

Educationists said that the state should not allow further dip in the eligibility criteria for admissions in engineering as it will affect education quality in the state. They strongly .resisted any move to entertain SSC students and let them enter in degree engineering courses directly, with additional ‘Impact Fee’. 

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Advani Begins Janus Cheat-na Yatra From Bihar

Tra-Veil-ing Correspondent
Bihar, Oct.11

L.K.AdWaning is on the move again. He began his 38-day Janus Chetna Yatra from the land of JP. The abbreviation stands for Jayprakash Narayan – and not for the Joint Parliamentary (committee), clarified the veteran at the outset.
“I am formally launching my Janus Chetna Yatra as a formality against corruption and to bring back black money stashed in foreign banks so that ratings of our banks do not have to suffer” affirmed Mr. Advani.  He expressed concern over downgrading of SBI and asked for the resignations of PM as well as Moody’s CEO. Lashing out as Sonia Gandhi, Advani said she should take lessons of renunciation from him. “Look at me. I am no longer in the race for PMship. Party has offered me much more than that- the advice to withdraw from the race, to be precise.”

His Janus Chetna Yatra is aimed at the corruption of Central government whilst delicately  looking away from corruption of his own party members. The nomenclature “Janus” came from the double faces of the leader in matters ranging from corruption to communalism. Janus, the God Of Greek Mythology has two faces since very much like Mr.Advani, who looks at the past and the future at the same time.

“Today the people of this country have lost faith in my ability as a Prime Ministerial Candidate. The biggest achievement of this yatra would be to restore that faith” said the 84- year leader.

Saturday, October 8, 2011

Anna Likely To Campaign Against The Democrats In The Next US Elections

US & Them Bureau
Wash a ton, Oct.8

Anna Hazare, renowned social Fastivist with Gandhi cap and the person whose search ratings zoomed ahead of Anna Kournikova, has declared his intentions to campaign against the ruling Democratic party whose tenure has proved disastrous for US. Teem Anna is likely to visit US next month with Anna’s message to launch the campaign. Sarah Palin is all set to play host, informed Kiran Bedi. Tea Party leaders may extend honorary membership to Bedi during the visit. 

Talking to reporters, Anna said he had nothing personal against President Obama but he cannot tolerate the way the president handled The Almost Second Depression. MTAs- Members of Team Anna- in the meantime, are busy discussing the logistics of fast unto death program in White House loan. Fan clubs of Sarah Palin along with several Tea Party enthusiasts have vouched for their foolhardy..er. full hearted support to Anna Movement, says sources.

Fox News is in talks with Times Now to have Arnab Goswami as a front man for special coverage of Anna movement, it is learnt. Copy writers and Desk persons are busy translating the slogans used by Team Anna during their movement in India.

Friday, October 7, 2011

Pakistan On The Way To Accord MNF-Most favored Nation- Status For India Officially

ByOrder Correspondent
Is Lame A Bad? Oct.7

courtesy : Rahat
India, famously infamous for being the Most Favored Nation by many terrorist groups of Pakistan is going to have it officially. Pakistan PoorReign  Minister Heena Rabbani has said the status is likely to act as a candid confession for the country whose image has nosedived internationally. 

ISI, fondly known as Illegitimate Service Inc., in addition to several militant organisations of Pakistan have favored Indian cities as their prime targets in the past.. After the terrorist attack on Mumbai, everyone knew MFN status for India was well due. Jammu-Kashmir, the Indian state with disputed borders has been accorded MFS-Most favored state- status way back in 1947. It was energetically renewed during Gen. Zia regime.  

Foreign Minister of Pakistan said the MFN status will create large market for the Jehadi, the Talibans and other extremists with or without direct support of the Pakistan Government. It will be easier for them to operate in India thereafter. The US swiftly denied the proposal of MFN from Pakistan, its ally & ailment in the war against tErrorism, it is unreliably learnt. 

Thursday, October 6, 2011

BPL Row: It’s Parties' Time

Below Propriety Line News
New Delhi, Oct.6

As pressure mounted on the Government to revise the definition of Below Poverty Line all of last week, Rueral Dev-Elopment Ministry sought suggestions from various National and Regional Parties. Leaders are responding quickly, says sources.

courtesy : Ravi
Rahul Gandhi, Congress General-Cum-Secret-wry believes anyone who did not visit a Dalit household for few minutes in the last financial year should be considered below poverty line. Mayawati, the champion of the Dalits and BSP leader, has different ideas though. 

In her view, anyone who has not been allotted government land for his/her statue during last year should be entitled for BPL status. She said it was ‘Statue’tory right of citizens of India to get their statues installed.

BJP’s Prime Mini-sterile candidate-in-travelling L.K.Advani is in favour of granting BPL status to those who didn’t undertake a single yatra of more than 30 Kms. by road in an AC coach during last fiscal. Ex-disciple of Ex-PM-in-waiting, Narendra Modi is all for granting BPL identification to those families who fast round the year. The catch is they should spend more than a crore of rupees during their fasting period. J.Jaylalitha thinks anyone not having a case of disproportionate wealth against him/her should be treated as BPL.

Moreover, there is wide consensus among the parties that any candidate accepting bribe below Rs. 1 Crore will be considered BPL candidate- in fact a true representative of BPLs across the country.